Yarn Shame

Today, April 27th, is Local Yarn Shop Day. (It's also my birthday, but that's beside the point.) It's a day to celebrate all the beautiful skeins of squishable yarn at all the independent shops around the globe! It's a holiday to celebrate local businesses and hand dyers and all the beauty that can be created with just a bit of string.

So why am I dreading this day? Besides being one year closer to middle aged (again, not the point), I feel a slight bit of shame.

I can't really afford to shop at a local yarn shop.

There are several here in Columbus where I live. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've been in them. And I can count on even fewer fingers how many skeins of yarn I've purchased while I've been there. Those few times I've come away with only 1 skein because it's all my budget could afford. What can you make with 1 skein of fingering weight yarn? Not much. So it sits on my shelf, staring at me, reminding me that I splurged on something I shouldn't have, and now can't even use.

Like the time I thought, "treat yo'self!" and spent $75 on a pattern and 2 skeins of yarn to make a scarf. They're from a designer I admire and a hand dyer I love, but that project is a constant reminder that I made a stupid rash decision that I should have thought through. I'm still working on that project months later, carrying it with me to work every day to add to on my breaks. Will I wear it when I'm finally done? Absolutely. Will I treasure it? Maybe. Do I feel a nagging sense of regret and resentment toward it? Yes. $75 for a pattern and two skeins of yarn. I can't help but think of it in terms of my every day life.

Those skeins of yarn could have gotten me 2 weeks worth of groceries. I could have paid 2 months of my cell phone bill with it. Or 2 months of my car insurance. Two tanks of gas. I could have used that money to pay for things I actually needed, but instead I decided to make a scarf. And now I'm mad at myself for it. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed that I even have to feel this way.

So today, as I scroll through Instagram, I'll once again be reminded that as much as I want to be a part of this community, there are things that will always keep me slightly on the outside looking in. Days like today that make me feel like I don't really belong-- like I'm a child trying to keep up with the older kids on the playground.

But even though I feel shame in not being able to afford to knit with hand dyed merino, I still have to recognize the privilege that I have.

Above is part of my stash of yarn. It's 98% acrylic from various craft stores. It's the yarn that I can afford. But even having "cheap" yarn, I still recognize that this is privilege. To have the means to even have a "stash," to stockpile yarn (even if it's taken years), to have the yarn and time to create product to sell, to have a dedicated craft room to store it all is privilege. There are those that don't have the means, whose every day life necessities outweigh the desire for more yarn.

To be able to walk into a local yarn shop today or any day and be greeted and asked if I need assistance is privilege. Even if I know I can't afford to buy the skeins I'm browsing, the color of my skin affords me the privilege to look without being ignored and allows me to shop without harassment. There are those in this community who cannot say the same even if they have the means to fill their arms with huge heaps of yarn.

So today while you're celebrating Local Yarn Shop Day, take a moment to recognize and reflect on your privilege in doing so.